Our advice column for all the questions that feel too weird, too personal, or too “is it just me?”. Spoiler: it’s never just you.
Ask Sunnie: What to Do When a Friend Keeps Bailing
*Quick reminder: The advice provided in this column is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. For any health concerns, diagnoses, or treatment plans, please consult your doctor.
Someone sent in a question this month about something we’ve all been through but almost never say out loud. You know when the vibe shifts, the energy feels off, and you’re just sitting there debating whether to call it out or pretend you didn’t notice? Truly the worst.
Luckily, our go-to reality check Dr. Sara Kuburic is here to break down what’s really going on in those moments and how to handle them without overthinking literally everything.
Dr. Sara Kuburic:
Wait, what?
No.
It’s completely fine for our friends to have other friends. And yes, it’s okay if they want to spend time with people other than us (sometimes annoying, but fair). What’s not okay is feeling like a backup plan. Feeling like you're second-best.
Sure, if someone gets invited to something exciting and has to cancel once in a while, no hard feelings. But that should be the exception, not the norm.
It’s completely understandable that after constantly being canceled on, you would start to wonder if they have found “someone better.” But what does that really mean to you? Does “better” mean funnier, more confident, more popular, or more interesting? Is it someone who gets them into parties? Lends them outfits? Knows their crush?
Whatever the case, true friendship isn’t transactional. Friendship is a place where you don’t have to earn your belonging. It’s about two humans, two souls, two nervous systems choosing each other.
And here's something worth remembering: people often treat us the way we allow them to. They’re responsible for how they behave. We’re responsible for what we do once they show us who they are.
Have you told your friend how you feel? The pattern you’ve noticed? Have you given them a chance to show up for you in the way you need? I'm a big fan of honest and kind conversations before taking any other steps. Sometimes people just need the chance to do better.
And you deserve better.
Still not sure how to say it? Try one of these openers:
✦ “I’ve been feeling kind of weird about our friendship lately and didn’t want to keep it bottled up. Can we talk about it? I care about you, and I don’t want to assume the worst.”
✦ “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected and honestly, a little overlooked. I know my brain can run with stories, so I’d love to talk and clear the air, if you're open to it.”
✦ “You’ve had to cancel a few times, and while I totally get that things happen, it’s been leaving me feeling kind of a little pushed aside lately. I miss our time together and just wanted to check in.”
About the Expert
Photo Credit: Đaković Stefan
“I’m Dr. Sara Kuburic, existential psychotherapist, author of It’s On Me, and the voice behind the Instagram page Millennial Therapist and Notes From My Phone on Substack. I tell hard truths, ask deep questions, and explore the messy reality of being human. I specialize in relationships, identity, and trauma — helping people take brave steps toward living the lives they truly want.”
